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Frequently Asked Questions

I just learned that my husband/wife has had an affair. Should I stay or should I go? How do I know what the right choice is

First, take a deep breath and calm yourself as your life has just been turned upside down. Do not push yourself to make a choice at this moment. Slow down your world. Decisions made when we are full of intense feelings are not usually the best choice.

In short, we say that if your partner is earnest in his or her desire to repair the relationship and assume responsibility for both the harm he or she has caused and also for working on themselves, and you believe that you still may love him or her, then it is very likely that your relationship can be saved. In fact, if those conditions do apply to you and your partner, and if the two of you do the work necessary to rebuild, then it is likely that you can become happier in your relationship than you ever have been. We detail how you can do this in our book, “Igniting the Flame of One”.

When do I know it’s time to seek professional help with my relationship?

When you and/or your spouse feel unhappy in your Relationship and,unable to make things better then it is time to seek help from professional marriage coaches. After you and your husband/wife have tried to discuss and remedy your relationship impasses and still find yourselves either arriving back at the same impasse or feeling victimized, angry or resentful, then you owe it to yourselves to seek professional help. Or if you or your partner are unwilling to risk opening up to the other about the problems because it doesn’t fell safe to do so, it is time to ask for outside help.

Our relationships are too important and valuable to let them continue to languish in a bad place. Things will only get worse. Relationship problems that go unaddressed don’t go away; they create increasing distance between couples and lead to deepening feelings of hurt, disappointment, loneliness and resentment. Damage is done to the love and commitment you share when either one sees no relief. That’s how infidelities happen.

What is Intimacy Coaching?

Intimacy Coaching is The marriage Institute’s unique approach to helping individuals, couples and families develop close, loving, safe and resilient relationships. No matter the relationship, the focus is on each individual becoming Self Intimate and Conflict Intimate which give the individuals and the relationship the ability to be close, have each represented in the relationship and develop the skills to successfully resolve all relationship conflicts and disappointments. Intimacy Coaching teaches you how to create a relationship that has room for the growth of all partners while sustaining a loving, supportive connection.

Can relationships survive an infidelity?

Yes, enthusiastically, yes! In order to survive and thrive after an infidelity, you and your husband/wife have to earnestly work on recovering from the betrayal. You both have to understand why it occurred, that is, what in the betraying spouse fueled the betrayal, and how the two of you can work together to affair-proof your relationship, to make it so strong that you never have to worry about infidelity again. We have found that the couples who commit to this work find that their relationship becomes stronger, more committed, happy and more resilient than it ever was before the devastation of the betrayal.

How does coaching work?

Marital Coaches Jerome & Ivy will meet with you and your spouse together the first session and get a history of the relationship, its strengths and difficulties. Often they will next meet with each of you individually once. In a couples session after that or at the end of the first meeting they will summarize what they see as individual and relationships strengths and weaknesses. They will answer any questions you have about them and about your coaching going forward. They will tell you what they will work on with you, the approximate amount of coaching it will require, the format for subsequent sessions and the cost of your coaching. You will leave that session with informational materials about Marriage 4 Life Institute and the coaching work we offer.

Subsequent coaching sessions begin by teaching you a way to work through relationship conflict, a skill you can immediately begin to apply. You will also likely be taught the Tender Self Awareness Exercise that becomes your regular homework and other skills you can use. Homework is often given as needed.

Periodically during the course of your coaching your coaches will evaluate your progress with you and discuss the focus of your work going forward. Marital Caoches Jerome & Ivy see their job as getting you to a place where you don’t need ongoing coaching because you have achieved your goals and have gained the emotional maturity and skills necessary to take good care of both your self and your Long-Term marriage Relationship. As you make progress toward your goals the frequency of your coaching sessions will diminish. Your coaches will have you doing more homework, to keep you grounded,outside the office.

And then after regular coaching ends after the healing and rebuilding of your marriage 4 Life is accomplished, clients always have the option of returning to occasional coaching, seminar, workshop sessions for “tune ups” when they feel challenged by life events.

How long can I expect to be in coaching?

The length of coaching is determined by the issues you are struggling with and on how hard you or you and your husband/wife are motivated to work out the issues. After the first session or two Marital Coaches Jerome and Ivy will give you an estimate of the time required to achieve your goals in coaching. Some clients will seek coaching for short-term change or relief, others will commit to longer term change and another group will benefit best from assistance built around occasional sessions designed to redirect their ongoing process of self change. In cases of infidelity, the work required of a couple is usually 6 to 9 months of regular coaching.

How long before I can expect to see a change in my relationship?

Generally after 4 to 6 weeks of regular sessions you can expect to see profound changes in your own feelings and behavior and begin to see that your relationship is healing and rebuilding.

How do I determine if the coaching is working?

You should feel that the coaches have a good understanding of your struggle, offers you direction and suggestions that make sense to you and that he or she is offering you viewpoints that push you to grow, implement and consider different viewpoints. You should also notice improvements in your outlook and a diminishment of the symptoms that brought you to coaching.

Should I work with a single coach or couple coach?

The single coach is your choice. We find that couple coaching is most effective when the client and coaches both feel that they are a “good match” and can work together effectively. The key is that you find a couple coach,that you and your husband/wife have confidence in and that you both feel great trust in so that you both feel safe with them in opening up and being completely honest. That is what will enable your coaches to best help you.

Trust and respect for your coach is also important because the best coach will sometimes tell you things that are tough to hear about yourself or your actions. Trusting them will enable you to hear this and really consider it, knowing, trusting that your coach is giving you this feedback to help you and not because they are taking sides against either one of you.

What is a Marriage Couple Coach and how are they different from other coaches?

A Marriage Couple Coach are coaches who are trained and has extensive experience working with couples, is committed to helping couples succeed in their relationships and then accepts the couples’ ultimate decision regarding the future of their relationship. Marriage Couple Coaches agree to abide by a values statement of The Marriage 4 Life Institute Couples Coaching, an advanced Marriage Couples Coaching network. As a personal, professional, and social value. These coaches believe in helping couples restore their marriages & families to health.

How do I determine if my couple coach is competent?

The marriage couple coach should be willing to answer questions about his/her training and be willing to work with you regarding your struggles. You should feel you are receiving suggestions and advice that you are willing to utilize and then notice change beginning within the first four to six weeks. When you do not experience change, you need to discuss this with the coaches and they should be willing to examine this concern and offer concrete and useful suggestions and directions.

Competent coaches don’t try to push their values onto you. They don’t tell you what you should be doing but express concerns for you to consider and work with you to achieve the realistic and healthy goals that you set for yourself and your marriage.

And of course, a competent marriage couples coach never, ever takes sides in your relationship. They give both husband/wife positive and negative feedback in their focus on helping both of you be the best helpmates you can be in the process.

How do you protect my confidentiality?

Your identity and everything you share in coaching is completely confidential and will never be shared with anyone else unless you explicitly request it, as in cases of wanting your coach to speak to health care professionals or to share information needed for you to get reimbursement from your health insurance carrier.

Where can I buy your book?

You can purchase our books from amazon.com, here on the website, seminars & workshops, and at many local bookstores such as Barnes & Nobles,Borders, etc.

When is divorce the right choice?

Divorce is never the right decision but the right choice when your spouse is unwilling to work on his or her contribution to the problems. There’s no hope for marriage 4 Life Institute then even if you’re willing to do whatever it takes. If your spouse isn’t willing to meet you at least halfway then the right choice for you, the self-respecting choice is to end the relationship.

So, we advise that if you are not absolutely sure that you no longer love your spouse, you work on rebuilding the relationship and do all you can to make the relationship better before deciding whether to end it. In this way, if you do end it, you can leave the marriage with a sense of integrity, with a clear conscience, knowing you tried as hard as you could to make it work. All relationships begin with a dream and with caring and deserve to end, if they are to end, with dignity.

Do you accept insurance?

We are working on this as we speak.

Do you accept credit cards?

Yes, we do accept MasterCard,Visa, American Express